Every Night Sky

2011-11-04T11:40:00.003+08:00

I have built my home in her chest
(behind her ribcage, just below her heart)
all any of us really wants is comfort
I feel her lungs gently expand
I feel her heart drive blood through her veins
I feel her exist
I have found comfort here, I have found my place
In the light of her being, in the safety of her warmth
I am set free

2011-10-10T21:57:00.001+08:00

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

2011-09-28T19:30:00.001+08:00

Dear blog, you've been the most loyal friend I could possibly have. So many so many things have happened ever since I did a proper update. I wished I could document them in details but there's so much to be said, so much emotions triggered. My mind has been a blank piece of canvas, it's of no use to me now. I do not get inspired by anything lately. Words do not cascade w powerful ideas anymore. time to shake myself up

2011-08-11T18:58:00.002+08:00

I need to write. Before I turn completely insane. I am completely powerless as to what's happening in my life now. I refuse to feel anything. I need to sort out my thoughts, fold them neatly and tuck them at the back of these shelves.

2011-07-24T22:03:00.001+08:00

'He used to call me Jewel', I said, and that was enough to make me start crying.

A jewel's just a rock put under enormous heat and pressure. Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look.

2011-07-14T00:47:00.000+08:00

I keep fucking up..

2011-06-02T22:41:00.004+08:00

Then I think about summer,
All the beautiful times I watched you laughing from the passenger side

2011-05-24T11:06:00.004+08:00

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too

I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you

"Girls like me don't get chosen over girls like her."

2011-05-22T12:05:00.004+08:00

"There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever" - Grey's Anatomy

I desperately need to write. Taking into account that I haven't been divulging much of my private life to any soul and the fact that I am now incapable of penning my emotions down, my mental wellness is in considerable peril. Am I really done here?

2011-05-17T13:02:00.000+08:00

And I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.
- Chris Cleave

2011-05-09T11:35:00.001+08:00

Now on hindsight, I can finally confess to myself that I was doing wrong things. I did you wrong. Something really bad could have happened. But on the other hand, if it was wrong, how did it feel so right w you?

2011-04-29T01:01:00.004+08:00

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them."
— Jodi Picoult

Manifesto

2011-04-21T00:07:00.003+08:00

Fuck birthdays. I was so fucking afraid of this happening. Again. I don't want to see any fingers pointed at me, don't want to hear any judgement any criticism. I've had enough. I'm really done this time round. Just know that I said I would have gone all out to make sure none of you wind up alone on your birthdays.

2011-04-13T00:11:00.001+08:00

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

I believe

2011-04-10T03:40:00.002+08:00

Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What appears bad manners, an ill temper or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.

- Miller Williams

But they don't understand, you're all I have

2011-04-01T04:59:00.001+08:00

"But should he not return to you, then life hasn’t cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free."

Ala Paredes

2011-03-15T04:15:00.005+08:00

When having to deal with overwhelming emotions, I cope best with what I would call 'the zombie mode'. I remember that when I was little, I read somewhere in a magazine that it is scientifically proven that we are less rational and less capable of making decisions in the night. So perhaps subconsciously I make myself stay up till late so that I could blur the emotions. There's allowance in me that could be excused for going 'Huh? What's going on? I'm not sure. I don't know' all the time. My head spins, I crave for a smoke so bad but I don't allow myself to spend on ciggs. Or I just don't want to travel anywhere unless necessary for now. Not in the cold and windy night. Not alone.

I let the body mechanics malfunction slowly.. Then it is compelled to awake in the morning. This way, I am not clear headed enough to let anything sink in. There is only fatigue. No heart aches, no signs of callousness, no weakness. This is the period of time you block people and feelings out. You do not allow any further drainage or exhaustions. This is the time when you wince at your playlist for the drop of first beat of some heart wrenching Chinese songs. This is when you avoid discussing concrete details of your life because everything seems so delicately real and just.. sad.

This is when the night seems loaded with everything you've tried to carried alone. And you need an outburst. To rip something so hard and hear your teeth grit. Or just lie in your bed with your laptop feeling the heat from the battery, allowing yourself to fall apart, scattered across the keyboard. Reliving on every click, every word.

昨天跟你借的幸福抱谦我有不能还你的苦

Mon Ange

2011-02-25T15:40:00.008+08:00

As you turn 20, the relationship is hitting the big 2 years anniversary. This is big, to me. I've never had the privilege of someone staying by my side for such a long time. I may be too young to say this, but I've had my fair share of witnessing messy heart breaks and undeserved treatments. Well technically we've met about 10 years ago when I was just another primary school girl you heard of but 2 years ago, you helped see me get up on to the right track. I was wrecked and ready to fall anywhere, but somehow I landed right where you were, and I have already told you how glad I am for that.

But I've always known that what attracted me would be what breaks us. You are made of simplicity and I scrutinise everything with complications. This simplicity of yours is fascinating. Your emotions are raw and your tenderness is sincere. You have no extra baggages and no hestitations to be nice to people. Time has worn both of us out we are now drained yet we are unwilling to simply throw our hands up and walk away. I no longer want to make any changes after I realise how brutually cruel is it to want to take away any of your simplicity. It is precious and I hope it stays with you.

Now I've learnt that love takes up different forms. Even if goodbye comes too soon, the kindness and tolerance you've made me see have changed me forever. And a part of us would always love each other, maybe just in a different way.

2011-02-23T03:11:00.001+08:00

Once I'm out there, everything's going to change. It's inevitable, but I know youth would diminish right in front of me after I'm out of poly.

I'm going to miss everyone in my Year 3 so so so much.. It's been what, 8 years since I felt so bonded and attached to a class?

Blood and Fire

2011-02-17T01:07:00.006+08:00

Granted, I could be geared ready to face the huge rocks labelled 'GROWING UP' knocking me out along the way but little did I know that I am tripping over little pebbles. Do not ever get me wrong, I have never been one who succumed to self-pity. But it's never possible for me to fully convey my thoughts and honestly, it's challenging to make you understand if you're already gifted with better qualifications in this trial run of life - youth. Life is unfair, and I am not complaining but I do deserve the rights to feel upset fueled by alcohol and nicotine. That, I hope you leave me the peace and last of it. It's odd though, the way the toxics put us down yet we count on them to wake some nerves up.

I slurr my words, I refuse to enunciate my ideas, I shut my dreams in and I could tell you, it is fear, damn right, it's fear brewing in my blood. Everytime I am forced to share about my future expectations, it means that I have proven it, it came right from me, so if it doesn't turn out that way, I have failed myself. It means that I do not have what it takes. But is that all to me? As weak as I may seem to people out there, I've always kept my dreams. No matter how I do not have that silver spoon or capabilities, I'm still looking to live it, to reach out and live it.

I am 20 this year. This is the time you think of what do you want to achive in the next 10-15 years because this is the time you make or break. But over the past few years, I've searched through the dirts I land myself in. In the night I contemplate the future paths I could take and honestly, I am still nowhere there. I have achived nothing. I actually need the following 1-2 years to work for me, you hear me, anyone up there? it's alright if you don't but just don't make it worse.

There's no one to talk to and no one who wants to listen. I need to move to somewhere new. Really soon.

2011-01-31T14:56:00.001+08:00

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex.

Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."
- Looking for Alaska by John Green

2011-01-25T20:32:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, you don't get people telling you that you're beautiful. What you get is the distaste written all over their faces when they judge your appearance. I am inferior, I am insecured and worst part of me, I'm difficult to understand. What is easily understood, is that I won't appeal to the generic groups of living creatures out here because I ain't got those dreamy eyes, overflowing cleavage, flirty summer dresses, flowy long hair. I do have a middle finger strong enough to stuck it right into your nose though. Look, we don't need consents from others to feel good in our skin. Sure I'm only beginning to rebuild my self-worth at the age of 19 and my ground is weak. But to the boys who like to degrade girls based on such superficiality, fuck off and I hope you have fun with the shrinkage of your balls.

This is what happens after watching an episode of Glee discussing about girls empowering themselves and reading other girls' blog feeling wrecked because of stupid boys who don't respect them.

What I need, is not the beholder with sweet nothings or fanciful compliments. What I need, is to feel that you look at me in a different way from everyone else. But it's not there. The slight hint of shimmer or dilation of pupils or anything. It's just not there.

2011-01-12T01:30:00.001+08:00

"If you can't change how you look, change how you feel" is a desperate desperate desperate lie.

Directions

2011-01-11T00:34:00.006+08:00

Did I already mention how much I worship writing? I am obsessed with sifting through thousands of words in search of a true emotional connection if I am attracted to your writings. At times I'm almost sure that we all go through the same feelings, and that it's only the way we convey and express ourselves which differentiates us. However I am not too affirmed of this thought now. Now that I finally find myself restless when I try to pen my thoughts, what does that leave me?

Lately a plague of laziness is taking over me and as ashamed as I could be saying this, I have absolutely no drive to fight this. I am an aimless person waiting for youth to burn me out. On a side note, I've been misplacing things way too frequent I wonder if I'm just not holding onto anything subconsciously. Phone, laptop, cards, $100 receipt to be claimed and I also lost someone held in dearest respect to age to life and to death. I am the coward great-grand daugher, busy grand daughter, distant daughter, angry sister, detached friend and undecisive girlfriend and so many more to be damned for. I am afraid of delving deeper into affection - could there be nothingness underneath? Pardon my digression for I do not know where I am heading either.

Reading your confessions aloud in the night makes you reflect in a wholly different perspective. It's time to stop lamenting but I could be a good person tomorrow, yes let the procastination swallow me. Let us rest in our thoughts tonight x

2011-01-06T16:37:00.006+08:00

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself. " - Neil Gaiman

I do not believe in any claims of magic or optimism. Not to mention New Year Resolutions which seem to be convenient excuses to push making changes to the hands of the new year. Teenage angst (or whatever people like to claim my thoughts as) aside, I could really use some faith now. These little frustrations and helplessness that may seem minimal to others, they're wearing me out. Don't judge unless you can walk the walk in his/her shoes.

P.S One substantial belief I hold proudly is the existence of 'a better world' free of pain when the time comes. I know you'll be there..

Silent Night

2010-12-27T13:54:00.004+08:00

So we finally got to taste the hyped 'colorful xiao long baos'. I'm not sure if it was my extreme hunger or was it the peaceful Christmas ambience, I thought the food was pretty awesome and I'd definitely revisit Paradise Dynasty. And of cause, the only one who could fill the night up for me.

So the big New Year is coming up next and this year, I do not have any inspirations flowing through me, any strength to whine about my laments on hindsight. I would, however, like to dress up feeling amazing, have fun in my own skin, and partake in any decadence. This downwards spiral.. I have no clue where I'm heading but this is what makes it fun before I proceed on to my working adult life no?

Seen the home inside your head, all locked doors and unmade beds

2010-12-23T02:37:00.003+08:00

I know. I'm afraid of making mistakes. Wrong choices, accidents, disappointments scare me. I am faint-hearted. Too weak to embrace the beauty of venturing into different sides of life, believing your true self. This is a very, very strange time of my life. There are so many mixed feelings, so much confusion and so little allowance for my thoughts.

But I figured we are all just trying to figure something out here.

2010-12-22T15:21:00.004+08:00

First party event down! I honestly felt we could have done so much better in terms of crowds but competition like this is inevitable but I guess I honestly look forward to more chances of participating in such events!

I'm also overjoyed because of all the friends who came and supported me! You know who you are thanks for making my night ♥

Classmates get the pictures up real soon!!

2010-12-17T15:02:00.002+08:00

On the days I get high, inebriated or too ridiculously bored, I feel like perhaps I could allow people to get closer to me. To have new acquaintances, true connections and a second chance at knowing people. But when sobriety comes, the closeness is simply suffocating. I retreat and draw myself apart. I begin to act nasty, detach myself from showing any effort and now, I wonder. What am I really afraid of?

AWARE BAZAAR

2010-12-06T10:47:00.004+08:00

How did I manage not to take any group photos w my grp, I have no idea. We were so occupied w miscellaneous stuff and mobile selling but our efforts paid off really well. Anyway it was awesome and kudos to our work! I still feel cheated by the huge organization though. This whole shit is just unfair to us students but Imma shut my trap for fear of legitimate issues.

More to come!

2010-11-26T00:47:00.002+08:00

I've been rambling most of the time lately. My mind is not fully functioning and my body is sending me some subtle signals implying discomfort. The body heat, heavy shoulders, spinning head, irregular heartbeat and more. I need quality sleep. I remember telling my friend that I only dream when I get to sleep after being real tired. But she told me that dreaming means that you're not completely asleep. What the fuck? I know I'm falling sick, but please wait till Monday dude?

Fight Club

2010-11-23T00:32:00.001+08:00

Marla Singer: [after taking a bottle of sleeping pills] This isn't a real suicide-thing. This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.

2010-11-19T01:40:00.000+08:00

Jeffrey's got me bad

2010-11-18T01:23:00.000+08:00

Let not a man guard his dignity, but let his dignity guard him.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2010-11-15T01:16:00.000+08:00

Dreamcatcher

2010-11-10T23:27:00.003+08:00

So most of my pay went to the much raved about Clinique 3 Step Care and now I am too broke to dye my hair. Gah there goes my ash colored hair. So clinique Be nice to me or I'll just lock myself up at home

Halloween Event

2010-11-06T13:37:00.001+08:00

Pretty geared up for our event on 2nd December at Powerhouse! Hopefully we'll make it good x

2010-11-03T01:04:00.005+08:00

Dear virtual diary, die on me right now if you must for I fear the weight it would bring to me someday. I am pretty sure that I would sink into my swirl of self-loathing thoughts when I read my archives and recall negative emotions. Oddly, however, I like to pen my thoughts and feelings down because it helps me to translate them into something tangible, something real and worth remembering. Something I can only name as 'something'.

So lately my fear has surged to an irrevocable peak. My heart is constantly unsettled and I frown unknowingly too much. There are so many things on my mind, I wonder if our brain ever gets overloaded and simply 'hang' like our faulty laptops do. Or perhaps there is an expiry to our mind's warranty - the duration for which it would be functional and free from toxic? Then at another end of me, my self-esteem is at an all time low. It took me years of make belief to appreciate my appearance. Yes people, sometimes it's not just about em girls whining, there are underlying implications and insecurities that are bigger than a male driver's ego. And now I can't even at the least feel ease in my own skin. I am always worried about making eye contact w people and having conversations in close distances. I suppose there are many steps I need to take to accept myself but wait, how do I achieve that if I don't see how am I qualified to feel confident?

Woes are always hitting you in tandem. When you think you're done, another battle is to be fought. This heart of ours never rest. I used to think that I hide, conceal, bury my scars so far underneath everything only because well, we should not flash our dirty linen and expose our filth. But today I discover that I am just waiting - waiting for a person who would run their contemplative fingers down the contours of the scars and say 'it's ok.'

That might be the slightest optimism I can breed in me. Goodnight world x

Making a change

2010-11-01T02:03:00.008+08:00

Too many that can never be mended. But thanks for gearing yourself towards a change x

2010-10-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

barnacles on face.. i is very depressed..

2010-10-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

2010-10-23T01:30:00.001+08:00

How do they look so damn adorable together?

2010-10-17T17:14:00.000+08:00

No knight in shining armor, no friends to the rescue, no family as permanent shelter. It's never the 'la vie en rose' picture they made you believe in. Sometimes there's only you and your blackberry in view sitting alone in town w eyeliner smudged and no tissues.

In search of

2010-10-11T00:54:00.001+08:00

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.” SATC

2010-10-06T04:21:00.001+08:00

Perhaps my biggest problem is that I don't know what's normal and what's not. The way my feelings work, they leave me clueless to what kind of person am I. But hold on, given the situations and people we meet these days, is there even such thing as abnormal? Seems like everything is supposedly natural. That's another problem. I constantly leave myself w questions that might not need any answers. There, that's another thing to wonder. The disability to differentiate my thoughts and integrate my feelings as a being eats me. What is? What is not? What the fuck is in between?

2010-10-04T02:17:00.001+08:00

Those days were long gone . . I look at you w such unfamiliarity and wonder what am I, who are we. My thoughts are crippled.

2010-09-30T23:50:00.002+08:00

I'm making space for self-adjustments and room for self worth. I'm leaving insincerities, fatigue and expectations. I'm saying goodbye to all of you.

2010-09-29T03:40:00.002+08:00

Every time I see the way Aiden looks at Carie, I cringe a little. It may be mere fiction but I've always believed that it's out there. Waiting.

I'm tearing down your balcony

2010-09-29T01:18:00.004+08:00

1. Dental surgery(?)/Braces

2. Master the art of drawing eyebrows

3. Learn a new make up

4. Improvement of complexion

5. Body issues

6. Try everything

7. Plastic

Crossfire

2010-09-26T11:39:00.001+08:00

When it comes to confidence, ego, pride and self-esteem, I'm definitely one w little to talk about. But me, me. I am loud, kp, annoying, stupid, clumsy, ugly. I have weird features, troublesome hair, small bone structure, voice like a kid, random smoking habits, addiction to parties even though I'm not good at it. This is me. I'm not going to change one bit. This barely functional heart has remained throughout. Guess whose changed. It's either you accept wholeheartedly or, I don't know because any otherwise I wouldn't give a soaring fuck.

P.S one day, I'll have to wake up and get over you once and for all.

2010-09-24T02:12:00.002+08:00

2010-09-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

Northern Downpour

2010-09-22T00:13:00.001+08:00

'I know the world's a broken bone

But melt your headaches call it home'

2010-09-14T01:11:00.001+08:00

昨天跟你借的幸福抱歉我有不能还你的苦

2010-09-12T00:30:00.002+08:00

All I'm looking for is genuineness. Any trail of it. No mockery, no humiliation, no sarcasm, no I-can't-give-a-fuck attitude, no false judgements, no unnecessary criticism.

P.S Save those filthy judgements for yourself

2010-09-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

This, is bullshit.

2010-09-07T03:50:00.003+08:00

"May you stay strong too"

I can't explain the comfort brought to me through these words from a stranger. We will all be fine. Tonight I sit here and wonder if we ever let go of our woes. I can hardly find an appropriate name for this unhappiness. And I believe that everyone, everyone carries this hole in them. This infinite hole marked with countless attempts to conceal yet never filled. Always seemed to me that self destruction is so much more possible.

2010-09-06T00:23:00.003+08:00

Nothing beats coming back to a home cooked meal.

2010-09-03T13:52:00.002+08:00

Haven't been going out at all I don't feel like blogging. Anyway I'm so obsessed w Pixie Market and Nastygal! I really need those items. My working store sells sth like the last dress though! Good luck to me surviving my work and papers. No time, no time.

2010-09-02T01:11:00.003+08:00

Be good, limbei will bring you home someday when I earn myself one. I just need time and we all know it's never on our side. Sometimes I wonder if things don't happen smoothly because of my looks.

2010-08-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

2010-08-25T00:09:00.002+08:00

When I look at you, I see the truth. I see forgiveness and acceptance.

Though sometimes, sometimes it gets really tough out here alone.

2010-08-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

So tired . .

Exactly

2010-08-22T23:29:00.001+08:00

2010-08-18T01:31:00.005+08:00

I can never feel comfortable stating myself as someone 'in a relationship' publicly, including facebook status. I tried to do that few minutes ago but urgh me. So today I realised that I already am crazy about you. Took me awhile but I'm here darling

I NEED YOU

2010-08-15T23:47:00.005+08:00

2010-08-15T14:37:00.001+08:00

So stressed it keeps me up at night

2010-08-09T21:28:00.004+08:00

Awwwww

Note to self: Get out there. Talk to people, make friends. Engage yourself w different situations. Have good/bad fun, screw up. See the world. Make memories

Thursday

2010-08-06T12:51:00.003+08:00

So it was a semi-graduation for us on Thursday as we headed to Sogurt after the very annoying WISP lesson. It was so pricey but I lovedddd the yogurt there. Anyway, I'm going to miss the 3 of them so much next sem when they start their 6 months attachment. They always get to hear my first hand complaints, rants and the rare times when I'd like to share good results!>:

P.S I dreamt of me and scraping a narrow escape from killers hunting me down again. This has got to be the 10th or 21st time

Unstoppable

2010-08-05T19:28:00.001+08:00

JC

Why are those girls alll so pretty and rich? I need my dosage of SATC to make myself feel better!

2010-08-04T15:14:00.005+08:00

So I really doubt b would send me pics approved to post up but I'd really like to share how adorable the cake was! Got a school mate of mine, who coincidentally share a same name and surname with my fucked up friend Felicia Khoo HAHAHA to bake it. Could check out her talent and creativity here http://muffinsareuglycupcakes.wordpress.com/!

Now that my IP is over, I could really get some proper sleep. We got pretty bad evaluations and I was rather disappointed but hey, no expectations from last minute work. Fingers crossed for more effort next sem. And man am I glad that the class is attached to an event organisation company. Really looking forward to being part of the two upcoming events if it goes as planned. I've always wondered how it'd be like if I stayed in event planning course.

Alright no lamenting. Time to stuff myself w FRENCH FRIES MAC CHICKEN MCFLURRY. REPORT AND NAPFA TMR SMLJ

2010-08-04T02:59:00.001+08:00

Where Why has everybody gone to?

2010-07-31T13:50:00.004+08:00

Baby bought his Dr. Martens and I never knew there were items other than boots. So it was fz's birthday last night! Hope she likes Tiffany<: Meanwhile I am supposed to be studying for a retest, prepare my sales call, write my report -all due on Monday. And also, finish up 4 projects due on Wednesday. How now? Quit school ah?

2010-07-28T05:01:00.001+08:00

if we just lay here and die

2010-07-26T23:13:00.000+08:00

SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES SICK OF ALL THE INSINCERES

Sometimes, I just need a friend.

2010-07-25T23:22:00.003+08:00

Sigh my wrecked laptop, phone, TV and aircon are making me very upset. My frustrations further accumulate from many other issues. I really don't know what to do. Guess it's downright stupid to put the blame on others, I prolly should be asking myself why do I allow any room for expectations in the first place.

Alright alright can't upload the pics of my super cute polkadot socks and water bottle. Si eh sad. Ciao

2010-07-23T12:05:00.000+08:00

Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care Not going to care

That's the way.

2010-07-20T21:00:00.004+08:00

I don't know what to feel. I tell others that I can accept it, because everyone desires that very own piece of happiness. Even if it is deemed as sinister mistake or getting judged. But to be witnessing this facade, I don't know what to feel. When you're around, I think if you're wondering about how great it'd be elsewhere. When you show affection, I suspect if another has made you happy. I'd like to give myself a settlement for this issue but I don't know how to end this. 'It's not ok but I love you' or 'I love you but it's not ok'?

There're many things I want to do for this home, I just need the time.

2010-07-20T01:01:00.004+08:00

What constitues cheating? It's been on and off my train of thoughts with the sights I see and news I hear. So far the only conclusive answer I heard is 'it doesn't count as long as you don't get caught.' But then just what is it that we are pursuing since we declare our devotions to be attached and together w this significant other. Or does faithfulness not mean anything because at our age, we just wanna have fun?

Why play w fire and watch yourself burn? There are many possiblities out there to taste the thrills of breaking the restrictions so perhaps that's what makes it fun. I never understood the justfications given. The lies, the excuses. At times I am ashamed of the way I contemplate walking away from everything, wondering what are the alternatives hiding in the future. I am apologetic, but I can't stop this. My guilt comes from my unsatisfaction. Comparing to the many fucked up relationships out there, shouldn't I settle in contentment? But then settlement is not something I'd like to decide now. By the way, not that me or my boyfriend had an affair or something. Just one of the mmany unnecessary stuff running in my restless mind. Goodnight world

On repeat

2010-07-19T18:40:00.000+08:00

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like the way it hurts

I can sense it, it's coming back

2010-07-19T03:31:00.000+08:00

'Every night I stay up past 12, past 1, etc. Not because I’m not tired. Not because I want to tweak on these social networking sites. Because I am tired, I want to sleep. But I can’t because my mind runs like crazy. It over thinks, over analyzes things that I don’t want to think about. So I purposely keep myself awake & tire myself out so that when I do finally lie in bed, I fall asleep and my thoughts don’t keep me up.'

Waka Waka

2010-07-13T17:11:00.008+08:00

So B hit the roads!! And I caught Despicable Me w Private Ong on Saturday. Sunday nights are awfully longer and slower now.. Got to do something about studying.

2010-07-04T22:13:00.003+08:00

Lilah Parsons

Why oh why oh why why so pretty~~

What ugly fucklings read and contemplate all day and night:
http://tt.mop.com/read_4432458_1_0.htmlm (omf)

'Goodnight my heart'

2010-07-04T20:49:00.010+08:00

No proper method to articulate the solace I seek every weekends. If you don't understand this, I just mean that you are the only place I feel at ease beyond this huge huge huge world.

2010-07-01T13:49:00.001+08:00

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

2010-06-29T21:50:00.000+08:00

I miss you so. It's like you're the only language I speak

2010-06-29T00:10:00.002+08:00

Her name is Mariel. I lust for her so much I'm mentally having an affair behind JJ's back.

What Inspires You?

2010-06-27T23:31:00.006+08:00

Zara 2010

P.S This huge mall slated to open in 2010 is coming up in Serangoon! Includes a Shaw cineplex and various F&B, retail stuff. Sounds so yummy I can't wait! Take over Hougang all you want Chao ah bengs, leave this alone

2010-06-26T12:51:00.000+08:00

If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

2010-06-25T00:43:00.004+08:00

"Crazy isn't about being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you, or me, amplified..."

I absolutely hate to complain about certain issues, because it's not like life isn't going to hand you anything worse anytime. But why so suey? Really angsty fucking sick of almost everything. Almost. And I really want to watch the old movie 'Girl Interrupted' but honestly what if I really understood what they said/feel?

So pweetty you want to wear those faces too

2010-06-23T01:12:00.003+08:00

In Our Lives

2010-06-21T22:49:00.008+08:00

The first half of 2010 has been marked with unnecessary foolish mistakes at my financial expenses. NEA fine, locked phone, two phones lost(misplaced + stolen = this how karma fuck you in the ass brudda). I ought to do something about myself. Alright I have impending assignments due next week and naturally, I have not done anything.

2010-06-20T23:52:00.002+08:00

twentyseven names

2010-06-20T14:23:00.002+08:00

He says that I'm really getting stupid. I second that. It's true, something's wrong w my verbal and mental ability. Guess I did too much damage to us. Is that how I know that I love you?

We all need the person who can be true to you

2010-06-17T13:35:00.001+08:00

Faster book out already.

P.S Day 6 or 7 of migraine. Is something wrong?

2010-06-17T02:19:00.000+08:00

2010-06-07T00:35:00.000+08:00

2010-06-02T13:29:00.005+08:00

I feel like I'm dissolving into a trail of debris. You know how is it like when you are only asking for a break from everything, but you'll always remember that it's your life you can't escape.

2010-06-01T15:20:00.002+08:00

"I did it because if there was someone else, then I wouldn't smell him on my skin and taste him on the inside of my lips. I did it because I had been feeling so hollow inside that I feared floating away, like a helium ballon that rose so high you couldn't even see the faintest splash of color.

I was that empty and that far away. And suddenly I knew what became of all those lost balloons: they were the loves that slipped out of our fists; the blank eyes that rose in every night sky."

My Sister's Keeper

Need to Breakaway

2010-05-31T00:00:00.008+08:00

Caught SEX AND THE CITY 2 w FZ last week it was AWESOME. Come to think of it, it's a pretty simple plot but it's still as fascinating and inspiring anyhow.

So Recruit Ong and I went to a mini flea at Homeclub today and kind of wandered between Chinatown and Clarke Quay and I stumbled upon a $8 lingerie sale! Wanted to settle for the SUPERB ba chor mee but it closed about 5 minute before we got there. Right. Sorry about today sometimes I need to be reminded that you keep me going. And I don't ever wna go back to who I was before you.

Everyday I think of how could things be better, how could I be better or what would we all grow to be. And we hope, all we do is hope that there is hope.